Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I deserve this hangover.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
