when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize