shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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