Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
