I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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