i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
