So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
