I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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