The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
