I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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