Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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