Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
