I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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