During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
