I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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