I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
