she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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