Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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