she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
