You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
