Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
