She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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