The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
tell me about the fingering
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
