you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
