the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Pooping to opera.
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