I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
