nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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