I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
