pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
