i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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