Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
