So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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