i jhust puked up my retainher.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
