I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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