ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
