Just fell off a train. Bad.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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