"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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