Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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