You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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