Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
do nipples grow back?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize