the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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