I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
