i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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