My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
