just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
