My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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