He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
