i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Randomize
