my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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