I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
