it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
