My friends, they love my intelligence
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
