I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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