we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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