my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
