did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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